


The Kirkchat Groupwall

by emptykitkat



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Gen, Group chat, Humor, Modern Thedas, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 18:54:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptykitkat/pseuds/emptykitkat
Summary: In a Thedas based on modern society with all the magic and technologies that come with both, arises one champion from the grand city of Kirkwall. This time, instead of blowing a huge horn when he needs to gather his party, our champion turns to his phone and trusty group chat where he and his idiot friends talk and share bad memes.





	The Kirkchat Groupwall

**Author's Note:**

> Has this been done before? Yes. Do I care? Nope. Is there a “story”? Not really. Did I write this mostly because there aren’t many group chat fics where Sebastian is actually a part of the group? Yeah mostly.  
> Also disclaimer: I never read warrior cats and I only used it as a joke. I’m very sorry.

 

**TheBigH** (Hawke) created a chat

**Chat Mom** (Aveline) was added

**BiancasBoy** (Varric) was added

**BigBoats** (Isabela) was added

**Sewermage** (Anders) was added

**Flowerpower** (Merrill) was added

**Glowstick** (Fenris) was added

**Princeypoo** (Sebastian) was added

**Sidekick** (Carver) was added

**Bethybowpeep** (Bethany) was added

 

**TheBigH:** SUP SLUTS

 

**Chat Mom:** what is this?

**Chat Mom:** what is this app and why is it on my phone

**Chat Mom:** Hawke I know you’re behind this. What’s going on?

 

**TheBigH:** chill aveline, it’s just a messaging app so we can have a group chat!

 

**Chat Mom:** how did you get this on my phone?

 

**TheBigH:** i had some help from Donnic. But don’t worry! It’s just because we don’t all have the same phone so normal group chats would be messy

**TheBigH:** plus this one lets you have cool nicknames

 

**Chat Mom’s name changed to A.Vallen**

 

**TheBigH:** and as admin I can keep you guys from leaving the chat

**TheBigH:** aw you’re no fun

 

**BigBoats:** ooooooo Anders is gonna get rOASTED\

 

**Sidekick:** wait can we talk about my brother keeping us here like some crazy dictator?

 

**TheBigH:** nope!

**TheBigH:** we’ve moved on to roasting anders for his crap phone

 

**Sewermage:** ok, first of all wow

**Sewermage:** second, sorry I don’t want to give apple a complete monopoly on their overpriced fashion phones

 

**Princeypoo:** pretending like the new android isn’t also like $1000

 

**Sewermage:** pretending that apple doesn’t slow down old phone models

 

**Princeypoo:** pretending that I can’t jailbreak and hack a phone

 

**BigBoats:** FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

 

**TheBigH:** FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

 

**BiancasBoy:** wait are we just gonna gloss over that choir boy hacks his phone???

 

**Princeypoo:** it’s not a big deal. I started doing it back when I lived with my parents and my dad put a tracker in my phone so I made it so I could change the location

 

**BigBoats:** you know sometimes I forget you have daddy issues but then you say stuff like that and im like

**BigBoats:** hot

 

**A.Vallen:** why are daddy issues hot? Whats so attractive about having a bad relationship with your parents

 

**Sewermage:** daddy issues provide a good background for the rebellious, sexy, tortured vibe. Horny people can smell it

 

**BigBoats:** because then they need a new daddy…

**BigBoats:** in bed

**BigBoats:** ;)

 

**TheBigH:** ;)

**TheBigH:** unfortunately my only daddy issue is that he’s dead

 

**Sidekick:** oof

 

**Bethybowpeep:** big mood

 

**A.Vallen:** … I feel like you guys could handle loss better

 

**TheBigH:** I  II

**TheBigH:** II  I _

**TheBigH:** how’s that?

 

**A.Vallen:** I’m going to throw my phone into the ocean

 

**Bethybowpeep:** now that she mentions it I’m curious

**Bethybowpeep:** who gets called ‘daddy’? The person with daddy issues or without?

 

**Sidekick:** can wE NOT

 

**TheBigH:** too late

 

**Princeypoo:** If I ever did ‘daddy-play’ I was too drunk to remember and thank andraste for that

 

**Sewermage:** depends. I’ve called someone daddy because of my issues and called someone daddy because of his issues.

 

**BigBoats:** so what you’re saying is…

**BigBoats:** you’re a bottom

 

**TheBigH:** was that ever a question?

 

**Sewermage:** how dare you

 

**Glowstick:** whypsdwe

**Glowstick:** cant sddenc se eeeomc pedwec

 

**BiancasBoy:**???? is the elf having a stroke and typing it out?

 

**Princeypoo:** he probably just needs help adjusting the font size on the app.

**Princeypoo:** I’ll help him, you guys keep up this fantastic discussion

 

**BigBoats:** was that sarcasm???

 

**Bethybowpeep:** Sarcasm? In our good chantry boy? It’s more likely than you think

 

**TheBigH:** soo now the only one left who hasn’t responded is merrill

 

**BiancasBoy:** you out there Daisy?

 

**Flowerpower:** yes!

**Flowerpower:** sorry, I was just having so much fun watching you guys talk I didn’t know if it would be ok to interrupt with questions

 

**Bethybowpeep:** don’t worry Merrill, the others interrupt all the time so it’s fine

 

**Flowerpower:** then in that case

**Flowerpower:** if Isabela is a girl then would she be called ‘mommy’ in bed?

**Flowerpower:** and are mommy issues sexy like daddy issues

 

**BigBoats:** maybe ;)

 

**BigBoats:** and not as much because bad dads make you rebellious, bad moms screw you up psychologically

**BigBoats:** usually

 

**Flowerpower:** ooohhhh

**Flowerpower:** what about other family?

**Flowerpower:** like… keeper issues?

 

**BigBoats:** hmmmm… why don’t you stop by my place later and we’ll find out ;)

 

**Sidekick:** what about brother issues? Specifically wanting to get rid of your older brother?

 

**TheBigH:** that’s called incest

 

**Sidekick:** I hate this !@#$%^*$@ family

 

**BiancasBoy:** what just happened to Junior?

 

**Sidekick:** did this app censor me?

 

**TheBigH:** wHAT?

 

**BigBoats:**?&#%@

 

**Sewermage:** *^%#%&

 

**Bethybowpeep:** *%@()#@!?>

 

**BiancasBoy:** ^%!@#$

 

**TheBigH:** #$+=^

 

**Flowerpower:** crud!

**Flowerpower:** oh… I don’t think I swore correctly

 

**A.Vallen:** you’re all children

 

**Sewermage:** TURN IT OFF HAWKE  


**TheBigH:** IM TRYING

 

**Glowstick:** &%!(&)>?

 

**BiancasBoy:** no offense elf but I don’t know if you’re trying out the censor or haven’t figured out your keyboard

 

**Glowstick:** I can type now despite obstacles of this new app.

**Glowstick** : though I’m not sure why we don’t just text

 

**Bethybowpeep:** because then Anders couldn’t be in the chat

 

**Glowstick:** … so?

 

**Sewermage:** *%$@ you

**Sewermage:** stupid Hawke

 

**Princeypoo:** I’m so glad to see the light of the maker cleaning up everybody’s language!

 

**Sewermage:** i’M sO gLaD tO sEe ThE LiGhT oF tHe MaKeR cLeAnInG uP eVeRyBoDy’S lAnGuAgE!

 

**Princeypoo:** does that take much time to type or do have an app for that sort of thing?

 

**TheBigH:** I have an app but idk if they make it for android

 

**Sewermage:** someday I’m going to replace you all with cats

 

**Flowerpower:** that sounds adorable!!!!

**Flowerpower:** can I be a tabby? I love their little stripes!

 

**Sewermage:** none of you deserve to be a tabby

 

**Flowerpower:** :(

 

**BiancasBoy:** look what you’ve done blondie

**BiancasBoy:** you made Daisy sad

 

**Bethybowpeep:** wait are we talking about cat-sonas because Carver and I read those books back in elementary school, right

 

**Sidekick:** NO

 

**TheBigH:** wait the weird ones where all the cats were part of like gangs and kept dying and had like weird names?

 

**Bethybowpeep:** yeah that one

 

**Sidekick:** NO THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN

 

**BigBoats:** oooooOOOOOOoooo

**BigBoats:** sounds juicy

 

**Bethybowpeep:** he sobbed like a baby everytime one of them died and he made his own cat too

 

**Sidekick:** YOU DID TOO

 

**Bethybowpeep:** mine was Sunny Ear and his was Bramble Foot

 

**BiancasBoy:** this is the best thing I have ever heard

**BiancasBoy:** tell me more about these cats

 

**Bethybowpeep:** I don’t remember much tbh just pretending we knew stuff about cats

 

**Sewermage:** fake fans

 

**TheBigH:** fake ferelden

 

**Sidekick:** fake story

 

**BiancasBoy:** fake lie

 

**A.Vallen:** fake friends

 

**BigBoats:** fake ginger

 

**A.Vallen:** fake boobs

 

**TheBigH:** who would lie about being ginger?

 

**Flowerpower:** Varric maybe? He lies a whole lot and could probably convince he has no hair while standing there with a full head of it!

 

**BiancasBoy:** I would never do that to you Daisy

 

**Flowerpower:** awww thanks!

 

**Glowstick:** were you lying about not lying?

 

**BiancasBoy:** getting kinda meta there elf

 

**Princeypoo:** as fun as this is, I gotta go shower so try not to spam too much while I’m gone

 

**BigBoats:** pics or it didn’t happen

 

**TheBigH:** PICS

 

**Princeypoo:** I’m not going to take nudes just to prove I took a shower

 

**Sewermage:** yeah then he’d get his little white iPhone all wet and he’d have to stick it rice

 

**Princeypoo:** I’m not white and ‘sticking your iphone in rice’ is a strange euphemism but go off I guess

 

**TheBigH:** WOOOOO

 

**BigBoats:** wait you’re just gonna let him call your iphone small?

 

**BigBoats:** send pics to prove him wrong

 

**Flowerpower:** how can he take a picture of his phone if doesn’t have another camera?

 

**BiancasBoy:** they’re not talking about phones, daisy

 

**Flowerpower:** really?

**Flowerpower:** oh!

**Flowerpower:** I get it!

**Flowerpower:** phone means penis!

**Flowerpower:** that’s very funny you guys!  :D

 

**Sidekick:** I am literally related to two people here can we not talk about that?

 

**Bethybowpeep:** we shared a womb Carver. We all know how babies are made

**Bethybowpeep:** we all do, right?

 

**Flowerpower:** yes!

 

**BiancasBoy:** naturally

 

**BigBoats:** and we know how to not make them too!

 

**Sewermage:** sex ed and birth control was one of things the circle was actually decent about

**Sewermage:** and thank the maker for that because poor healers like me were the ones who had to deliver babies

**Sewermage:** one time an senior enchanter threatened to fix us like horny dogs if we kept ignoring our sex ed class

 

**BigBoats:** well you know what they say

**BigBoats:** easiest way to prevent a baby is castration

 

**Glowstick:** or… not having sex?

 

**TheBigH:** or being gay!

 

**Sewermage:** you’d think, but actually it still happened to gay couples too

 

**A.Vallen:** how? With magic?

 

**Sewermage:** the magic of being trans

 

**A.Vallen:** ah

 

**TheBigH:** that’s some great magic

 

**Sewermage:** mostly tho we were too horny and desperate to care about gender

**Sewermage:** if you wanted to get it on then you just had a quickie in a closet with whoever was willing

 

**BigBoats:** your teenage years must have been lit

 

**Sewermage:** teenagers? This expanded to the adults in the circle too

**Sewermage:** it was like an old timey whore house with templars

 

**TheBigH:** magic makes you bi

 

**Sewermage** : more like being locked in a tower makes you desperate

**Sewermage:** some people had preferences, but the straight ones sometimes left it on the field for a quickie

 

**TheBigH:** well gender isn’t real anyway

 

**Bethybowpeep:** my gender is magic

 

**Sewermage:** “then what’s between your legs?” lightning

 

**Flowerpower:** mage rights are gay rights

 

**TheBigH:** MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS

 

**BigBoats:** MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS

 

**BiancasBoy:** MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS

 

**Sewermage:** MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS

 

**Bethybowpeep:** MAGE RIGHTS ARE GAY RIGHTS

 

**Glowstick:** I’ll take the gay hold the magic

 

**TheBigH:** you can hold me for as long as you like fenris <3

 

**Princeypoo:** I leave for a few minutes and you guys are spamming the chat?

 

**Sidekick:** I’m not

 

**TheBigH:** are you guys saying that you don’t support gay/mage rights????

 

**Princeypoo:** I’m saying that we don’t need to read it seven times in a row

**Princeypoo:** especially when no one is arguing against it

 

**Sewermage:** sounds like your arguing now

 

**Princeypoo:** *you’re

 

**Sewermage:** so now you’ve started just pointing out typos like a coward?

**Sewermage:** fite me hetero

 

**Princeypoo:** I’m not straight either

 

**TheBigH:** prove it

 

**BigBoats:** sounds like you guys could benefit from a lil hate @#$%^

**BigBoats:** stupid Hawke and his stupid app

 

**Princeypoo:** I am chaste and not arguing anything.

**Princeypoo:** and I don’t hate Anders at all

 

**Glowstick:** I do

**Glowstick:** but the only penetration he’ll get from me is when I stick my hand into his chest to rip out his heart

 

**TheBigH:** hey no one is allowed to use this chat to hook up unless I’m included

 

**Bethybowpeep:** …

**Bethybowpeep:** are you sure about that?

 

**TheBigH:** no one is allowed to use this chat to hook up unless I’m included

**TheBigH:** except Carver and Bethany who are not allowed to hook up with anyone ever

 

**Bethybowpeep:** rude

 

**Sidekick:** kill me

 

**Flowerpower:** nooooo!!!!

**Flowerpower:** it’s so hard to be friends with dead people

 

**A.Vallen:** are you implying that it’s still possible?

 

**Flowerpower:** ;)

 

**BiancasBoy:** daisy I’m concerned

 

**Flowerpower:** <#

**Flowerpower:** oops

**Flowerpower:** <3

 

**TheBigH:** <3

 

**BigBoats:** <3

 

**Bethybowpeep:** <3

 

**Sewermage:** <3

 

**BiancasBoy:** <3

 

**Sidekick:** <3

 

**Princeypoo:** <3

 

**TheBigH:** awww carver you joined in!!!

 

**Sidekick:** bite me

 

**Sewermage:** oh so spamming the chat with mage rights is bad but with hearts is ok?

 

**Glowstick:** 3>

**Glowstick:** wait how do you turn the 3 around

 

**BigBoats:** lol

 

**Glowstick:** ε>

 

**TheBigH:** what?

 

**A.Vallen:** I have a life and actual things to do, like work, so I’m muting you guys until further notice

 

**TheBigH:** :(

 

**Sidekick:** where the mute button

**Sidekick:** AVELINE HOW DO I MUTE THEM

 

**BigBoats:** you don’t muahaha

 

**TheBigH:** I am so saddened by this loss that I think I’m gonna go to Hanged man and drown my sorrows in alcohol

**TheBigH:** anyone want to join?

 

**BigBoats:** already there lovely

 

**BiancasBoy:** me too

 

**Glowstick:** are you buying?

 

**TheBigH:** don’t say you only love me for my money :(

 

**Glowstick:** I don’t

 

**TheBigH:** :)

 

**Glowstick:** I don’t love you at all

 

**TheBigH:** nooooo

 

**Glowstick:** I’ll still meet you for drinks tho

 

**Bethybowpeep:** where are you rn? And can you pick me up?

 

**TheBigH:** in the car

**TheBigH:** and sure

**TheBigH:** but youre designated driver

 

**Bethybowpeep:** not fair

**Bethybowpeep:** Carver come be designated driver

 

**Carver:** no

 

**BigBoats:** Merrill’s gonna be there

 

**Flowerpower:** I am?

**Flowerpower:** ok!

 

**Sidekick:** look Merrill is ok and stuff but I’m not gonna go just to watch you guys get drunk without me

 

**Sewermage:** I’ll be sober

**Sewermage:** I can’t drive but I can’t drink either because I need to up early

 

**Sidekick:** you don’t count

**Sidekick:** you may be sober but you still helped these drunk idiots rob a pet shelter

 

**Sewermage:** it was a pound!!!

**Sewermage:** a kill shelter!!!

**Sewermage:** and I wasn’t the one who told Hawke to take home twenty dogs

 

**TheBigH:** twenty one

 

**Sidekick:** that’s not encouraging

 

**BigBoats:** come on we’ll be doing body shots

 

**Flowerpower:** really? I didn’t know you had this all planned

 

**Sidekick:** if I go you won’t let me drink

 

**TheBigH:** you can do water shots!

 

**Sidekick:** that’s not something I want to hear from you

 

**BigBoats:** I’ll show you my tits

 

**Sidekick:** we’ve all seen your tits. Remember when you flashed that guy for like a few hundred bucks?

 

**BigBoats:** and you don’t want to see them again? Rude

**BigBoats:** I’ll show you Sebastian’s tits

 

**Princeypoo:** what? I’m not going

 

**BigBoats:** I’ll break into his apartment and take a pic for you

 

**Princeypoo:** no!

**Princeypoo:** and why do you even care? Your place is right above the Hanged man, you don’t need a driver

 

**BigBoats:** I want to make out with Bethany when she gets drunk

 

**Sidekick:** ew

 

**TheBigH:** you wHAT?

 

**Bethybowpeep:** heck yeah

 

**Sidekick:** what makes you think I want to see Sebastian’s tits?

 

**BigBoats:** what are you? A filthy het?

 

**Sidekick:** or that i’m against trespassing and you making out with my sister

 

**Bethybowpeep:** stop being a clam jammer

 

**Glowstick:** if you go I’ll try to keep Isabela off of Bethany

 

**Bethybowpeep:** e tu Fenris?

 

**Glowstick:** sorry but I could use a ride

**Glowstick:** walking home drunk at night sucks

 

**TheBigH:** yeah you’re an aggressive drunk too

 

**Glowstick:** last time I thought someone was trying to mug me but it turns out they were just getting out of their car

**Glowstick:** very narrowly avoided assault charges on that one

 

**Sidekick:** ok but if I don’t want to so my sister and Isabela making out I could just stay home

**Sidekick:** and then I don’t need to deal with whoever Garrett makes out with too

 

**Sewermage:** I’ll bring weed

 

**BiancasBoy:** Isn’t it also illegal to drive while stoned?

 

**Sewermage:** it’ll be a take home joint

 

**Sidekick:** ok sure

 

**TheBigH:** wooooop

 

**BiancasBoy:** good old family bonding

 


End file.
